Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Things to Consider Before Choosing a Career in Super Villainy

How cool would it be to be a villain? Answer: very. Now how cool would it be to be a Super villain? Answer: So awesome that your spleen would liquefy from the sheer awesomeness of it and you would be left without a spleen. What you’re thinking right now is “Don’t I need my spleen to live and even if I didn’t wouldn’t the whole melting process hurt?” Answer: No, you don’t need your spleen to live. You just have to make sure that you don’t eat anything too toxic. However, it will hurt like fuck when it melts/liquefies. There’s no way around that. Oxy Contin and a bottle of Cuervo will numb the pain slightly, I have found. But a liquefied spleen is a small price to pay for such sheer awesomeness.

Now, when I talk about Super villains, I’m not talking about those pussy villains who are all like tormented and shit because their wife died or they were picked on in high school or they were horribly mauled by a pack of roving mutant squirrels. NO, I’m talking about the no rhyme or reason villains who are just balls to the wall crazy (and perhaps pure evil?). That kind of simplicity, that kind of crazy is liberating, nay it is downright freeing. (I know that liberating and freeing mean basically the same thing, but liberating has a kind of neo nazi feminist feeling to it and I prefer to wear bras outside so…yeah.) Right now you’re thinking, but is super villainy the right career path for me? Well, here are some pros and cons to consider.

PRO: Get to wear awesome evil clothing like goggles, gauntlets, cowls, capes, slimming lycra, and Shakespearean nuck ruffs.

CON: Shakespearean neck ruffs tend to be itchy. However, this itchiness can be remedied by applying numbing gel to your neck before wearing said Shakespearean neck ruff, sewing a silky satin lining into your Shakespearean neck ruff, or just foregoing the Shakespearean neck ruff altogether, because, let’s face it. It’s kinda gay looking.

PRO: Ability to utter Awesomely cryptic phrases on a daily basis and have it be socially acceptable. Example: The Hamburglar never knows whether to roll the dice and would pay many ketchup packets until he knows when.

CON: Who cares what’s socially acceptable when you’re pure evil. (Mwa ha ha). Although everyday communication to henchmen or your number two (not a poop joke) could be a problem. Example: You say “The Hamburglar never knows whether to roll the dice and would pay many ketchup packets until he knows when.” Your henchmen go kill the president of France when all you wanted was another roll of toilet paper. (poop joke).

PRO: Ability to kidnap and/or enslave anyone you fancied/ loved from away/ stalked casually for years on end.

CON: Would the love ever really be mutual?

PRO: Nihilism. (I don’t know if this is really a pro or con but for the sake of argument I’m gonna put it under pro)

CON: Is it ever possible to truly believe in nothing? Cause even if you believe in nothing isn’t that something? Furthermore, what if you attend a stage production of Peter Pan and it gets to the part where Tinkerbell is dying. Would you shout “I do believe in fairies! I do! I do!” in order to save her or would you stick to your non-belief guns and let her die, you selfish, selfish bastard.

PRO: Never-ending cashflow due to acts of robbery and thievery and alike.

CON: You may accidentally steal from charitable organizations/orphans (who cares? Not their parents.) or, more importantly, nefarious crime lords and other more organized evil doers who may try to kill you. But, whatever, more lambs for the slaughter. Your henchmen should be able to easily dispatch them. Should being the operative word.

PRO: Cool weapons that, more than likely, would cause awesome explosions. Cool weapons include, but are not limited to: slingshot, daisy air rifle, sparklers, napalm, “big ass” gun, Hattori Hanzo (Hanso?) steel, those three pronged Asian dealies that Rachel Weisz fights Anukh Sa Na Mun with in the second Mummy movie, poison tipped blow darts, sniper rifle with night scope attachment, and the best weapon of all- your own two fists.

CON: You must register or go through organized crime channels to obtain some of the above. Both of which are kind of a hassle to deal with.

PRO: Hunt the most dangerous game of all- MAN. Yes, contract killings could be your racket if you choose a life of super villainy. How could you do this? Perhaps with an awesome samurai sword utilizing your own inherent ninja skillz ( “z”s make everything cooler and more futuristic). Plus considering it would be a hunt, you could probably get to wear a cool flack jacket or at the very least a pair of those bright orange overalls.

CON:…I don’t know… Maybe you’ll be hired to kill somebody you know, like your brother maybe. But even then it would make for a cool story where you kill the people who hired you instead, perhaps whilst you fly through the air on a motorcycle. They would call you The Crazy Motorcycle Killer. Does this section count as super villainy. I don’t really know.

PRO: A background in musical theater? No problem! Many Super villains have a taste for the theatrics.

CON: Probably shouldn’t break out in song and dance whenever you embark on a dastardly plan- could leave you vulnerable to attack by the “good guy” or the “worse than you guy.”

PRO: Lots of friends, AKA, henchmen.

CON: Henchmen are a faceless mass, and are also notoriously stupid and dull. Although they may be good to hustle money off of or fuck with (weak minds. “These are not the droids you are looking for.”) They’re nobody you want to have a conversation with or be in close proximity to or touch you even in a friendly, harmless way that does not indicate any sexual advances. Plus, let’s be honest, if you’re a Super villain you’ve probably got space issues to begin with.

PRO: Not having to put effort into choosing a new outfit every morning. ( Super villain uniform in full effect).

CON: Having a closet full of the same outfit. Plus, what do you wear to formal occasions? Must design formal evil wear.

PRO: Not having to deal with weighty issues of good Vs bad, moral Vs immoral, Burger King Vs Wendy’s. You are simply evil and that’s it. Okay maybe you also have a love for emu farming, but mostly, just evil.

CON: Burger King, unlike Wendy’s, is not open late. Not sure what that has to do with this, but it is definitely a con.

PRO: Evil theme song/musical score

CON: Getting tired of evil theme song/score but not being able to just kick back and listen to some ABBA because you are contractually obligated to play said tune every time you enter a room, think dastardly thoughts (a constant), celebrate a henchman’s birthday, or poo (for obvious reasons- poo is evil).

After considering all of the above it should be easier for you to choose the right career path for you.

Also, a degree from a liberal arts college helps.

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