Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Storytime! July 4th Edition

On a day not unlike this one, in an orange grove that looks nothing like your living room an old man trudged along bearing most of his weight on his cane, which bared an odd resemblance to a prosthetic leg. The old man, let's call him Sal, came upon a clearing in the orange grove in which several children were gathered around a tree stump. Sal paid them no mind instead focusing all his attention on the task at hand, which was, of course, maneuvering his feeble old bones in such a way so that he would be able sit on the stump. He was able to do so without even fracturing a single vertebra. It seems as though death had not caught up with Old Sal. At least not yet anyways.

The children stared in rapt attention at Old Sal, taking in the erotic scent wafting from his pores, the kind of smell that can only come from the age old mixture of Geritol, Old Spice and Jack Daniels, waiting for him to spin a tale as he always did.

"Okay, kids" Sal uttered in the way he always did, without a shred of pretense for how much his breath wreaked "I got a story for ya."

The children sat forward captivated by the lecherous hump that sat before them.

“So about twenty, no thirty. Wait…like...two years ago. Our forefathers cloned some dinosaurs. Now, you see 500 years ago, back in 1932. Things were different. There was a tax on sandwiches, for instance. But not all sandwiches, just ones with the crusts cut off. Like your mom makes them, Timmy.” Sal said gesturing toward a freckled youth in the front row.

“I’m a girl.” Said the youth.

“Shut up, ya succubus. I swear as soon as women got the right to vote. You know what I’m talking about Johnny.”

“I’m still a girl” said the youth.

“Grow a penis!” Sal screamed, expectorating on many of the children in the process. “So, as I was saying, I want to bang Timmy’s mom. Now if any of you can tell me what time she goes to sleep and maybe what kind of birth control she’s on, that would make my life infinit…infainitum…infinitely easier.

“Dinosaurs were everywhere. To the left of me. To the right of me. They were in the cupboard. I needed to pick up some milk, but I didn’t have time. I had a hearing at the local court that day and it would have been bad if I missed it. No big deal, they caught me for unleashing the wildebeest, that’s what I call my penis, on some unsuspecting girl. Since when is rape a crime? Can you tell me that?! Huh!

“Anyways, Lincoln was coming out of the shower and I handed him his towel. He was always a sucker for a fresh towel, and I’m not gonna say that I was in love with him or anything, cause I’m not gay. So stop eyeing me like that James!” Sal pointed wildly into the sea of children at a boy in the back row.

“but he had a rockin’ ass! And I had sexual relations with him, on several occasions. We used Jefferson’s place. The shit that went down there, man! Jefferson was into some freaky deaky shit! I can’t even…you’re too young to hear some of that shit. I’ll tell you when you all get older and I’m dead and haunting you in your dreams and watching Timmy’s mom shower and washing her sweet sweet breasts.

“So I had a problem. There were dinosaurs and Washington’s Pinto had just run out of gas. We were stranded in a sea of Velociraptors with claws that if you saw them would make you want to brush your teeth for some reason or other. A lot of shit happened to me in the war.

“All of a sudden that bastard, Arthur Sullivan comes out with a pancake on his head screaming at the top of his lungs ‘My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard’ and then he got eaten by a dinosaur and me and Washington made nasty-hot yet tender love in the backseat of his Pinto.

“And let me tell you, kids, God Bless America…and don’t ever lend a Scotsman your lawnmower because that’s how you get syphilis. And that’s how it was.”

With that Old Sal passed out from exhaustion, and the children went home a bit wearier of the true meaning of the 4th of July.

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