Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Mom and Pop Cuntry Cove: Celebrating our 50th Anniversary!
When we first opened our doors, and our hearts, on August 27th, 1959, little did we know our humble little store would grow to be such a success.
Founded on the principle that even good church going folk like to get freaky in the bedroom, Mom and Pop Cuntry Cove ahs provided the tri-town area with discrete "service" and high quality products for the past 50 years. Of course we would have never made it past those first ten years if it hadn't been for the surrounding community, who, for all their talk of immorality, sure did constitute a large portion of our client base.
Like Mrs. Wingdon, the kindergarten teacher who buys a gallon of KY every week. Doctor Hanscom who has worn out three swings. And Reverend Murphy, who buys a butt plug once a month. Yes, we couldn't have been this successsful wihtou lowayl customers like them and many others, all of whom we keep a very detailed list of. Very detailed. And we feel confident that they would never take their business elsewhere. Like the new "Spankin'" outlet opening up next door, because, like we said, we know who our clients are and it would be a shame if everyone else did as well.
Here's to another 50 great years servicing the community!
Founded on the principle that even good church going folk like to get freaky in the bedroom, Mom and Pop Cuntry Cove ahs provided the tri-town area with discrete "service" and high quality products for the past 50 years. Of course we would have never made it past those first ten years if it hadn't been for the surrounding community, who, for all their talk of immorality, sure did constitute a large portion of our client base.
Like Mrs. Wingdon, the kindergarten teacher who buys a gallon of KY every week. Doctor Hanscom who has worn out three swings. And Reverend Murphy, who buys a butt plug once a month. Yes, we couldn't have been this successsful wihtou lowayl customers like them and many others, all of whom we keep a very detailed list of. Very detailed. And we feel confident that they would never take their business elsewhere. Like the new "Spankin'" outlet opening up next door, because, like we said, we know who our clients are and it would be a shame if everyone else did as well.
Here's to another 50 great years servicing the community!
Baby Shower!
Somebody's Pregnant!
After years and years of trying, I am proud to announce that we are pregnant. And we are having a baby shower this Sunday. tehre will be cake and ice cream, coffee, a magician, pancakes, goat sacrificces and a dominatrix. So don't hesitate to bring the little ones. There will be plenty to keep them occupied. It is B.Y.O.W. - Bring your own wives, because, as always, the orgy starts right after the goat sacrifice.
So please come join us in celebrating the impending birth of what will (fingers crossed) be the Anti-Christ. 17th time's the charm.
Word of caution: Mind the open graves. I haven't gotten around to fully burying the infertile wives yet and I don't want to have a lawsuit on my hands should anyone happen to trip and fall into one.
After years and years of trying, I am proud to announce that we are pregnant. And we are having a baby shower this Sunday. tehre will be cake and ice cream, coffee, a magician, pancakes, goat sacrificces and a dominatrix. So don't hesitate to bring the little ones. There will be plenty to keep them occupied. It is B.Y.O.W. - Bring your own wives, because, as always, the orgy starts right after the goat sacrifice.
So please come join us in celebrating the impending birth of what will (fingers crossed) be the Anti-Christ. 17th time's the charm.
Word of caution: Mind the open graves. I haven't gotten around to fully burying the infertile wives yet and I don't want to have a lawsuit on my hands should anyone happen to trip and fall into one.
Open Casting Call - This Sunday
"Wendell Baynes Takes a Leap"
The film is about what happens when squirrels stop being squirrels and start being robots. In short, it is about the plight of the working man and also pirates.
Wendell: Male, 71-72. Should be at least 6 foot 7 with a penchant for cashew nuts and a disdain for Gerber baby food. The character is a lost soul with a club foot. You do not actually have to have a club foot, but those with club feet will go to the top of the list.
Mary Anne: 3,000 years old. Queen Squirrel. Hot headed, even hotter boobies. Must provide own costume, i.e. the role calls for you to be completely naked for the whole film just as squirrels are every day. We're going for a real method actress here. It's a plus if you are incredibly hairy/incredibly willing to let the director drill you 3 times a day.
Also needed: 300 midgets with their own leaf blowers.
Tryouts are at my uncle's garage - 22 Dearborn Ave. Paloma, Wisconsin.
-You bring the booze, I bring the love
-Irish need not apply
A Blow-Jo Adult Entertainment Production
The film is about what happens when squirrels stop being squirrels and start being robots. In short, it is about the plight of the working man and also pirates.
Wendell: Male, 71-72. Should be at least 6 foot 7 with a penchant for cashew nuts and a disdain for Gerber baby food. The character is a lost soul with a club foot. You do not actually have to have a club foot, but those with club feet will go to the top of the list.
Mary Anne: 3,000 years old. Queen Squirrel. Hot headed, even hotter boobies. Must provide own costume, i.e. the role calls for you to be completely naked for the whole film just as squirrels are every day. We're going for a real method actress here. It's a plus if you are incredibly hairy/incredibly willing to let the director drill you 3 times a day.
Also needed: 300 midgets with their own leaf blowers.
Tryouts are at my uncle's garage - 22 Dearborn Ave. Paloma, Wisconsin.
-You bring the booze, I bring the love
-Irish need not apply
A Blow-Jo Adult Entertainment Production
Intra-Office Memo
TO: ENTIRE OFFICE
FROM: STANLEY BAYNES (secretary)
CC:
DATE: 7/31/2008
RE: BREAK ROOM POLICY
Just wanted to take this opportunity to remind everyone about the break room policy.
FROM: STANLEY BAYNES (secretary)
CC:
DATE: 7/31/2008
RE: BREAK ROOM POLICY
Just wanted to take this opportunity to remind everyone about the break room policy.
- Only use the break room when you are on your break. (No-brainer)
- If you're going to drink coffee please remember that you need your own mug because we will be going "green" in the next month or so and thus will stop having disposable cups. Also, if you're going to drink the coffee, please, please, please throw a couple bucks in the jar next to the fridge. I can't tell you how many times I go into the break room and there is neither any coffee left nor any money in the jar. Seriously, people, pitch in. I have to pay for this shit out of my own pocket. Coffee is a privilege. Not a right!
- Label the food you put in the fridge so that people know whose is whose and thus will not eat other people's food. Someone must not be labelling their food because every time I go to get my lunch from the fridge it's gone. And the only reason I can think for that happening is that someone forgets to label their food and then forgets which one is theirs, thus taking my lunch. I have diabetes, people. I have very strict dietary needs. If I don't eat exactly what is in my lunch bag at the exact right time, I could die. I AM NOT EXAGGERATING! I WILL FUCKING DIE! And then you will be charged with murder. I'm going to set up a camera in the break froom and once I catch whoever has been stealing my lunch, so help me, God, I will rain Hell down upon your life. I know I may look weak. But, I move like a meerkat during mating season. I will be on your ass! I am not even kidding.
That's about it.
Oh! Carol's birthday is coming up next monday. So be sure to sign the card.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
The Monkey Presents Hamlet
To Be or not to be, that is the question. whether tis nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageuos fortune and to then and only then to consummate roughly upon thine bed many a vagina out of wedlock....with my cock.
To sleep perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub...no right there to the left. A little bit harder...oh you 've got it! Thank you! Now where was I? Ah, yes...
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come but those where I wake in the middle of the night and must rush most exquisitely mine sheets to thine washer.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time except those that be of the most kinky disposition. 555-5555 is the number that belongest to mine heart. Ring upon that line not before the hour of 4 on weekdays for I work the early shift at Ye Olde King of Moo Burgers. The boss is a major douche.
Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him well. A jester of jokes, a tickler of fancies. A handler of goat testicles. I knew him well. And to that end I must say we got it on not once, but many times a fortnight. Oh there were many sloppy days with Yorick....of course he was dead long before I was born, so you can imagine the amount of KY it took to get into that sucker!
To thine own self be true. Oh but that line lies asleep with another character. That, Pelonius guy. That 'tis who speakest those words....Dickbag...he hath retrieved my best foil from the parlour claiming it as his own. Hamlet swears that by the end of the day he shall feel Pelonius' blood on his hands!
Well, I'm off to sleep with my crazy sister and leave my whole famly dead. Ta!
To sleep perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub...no right there to the left. A little bit harder...oh you 've got it! Thank you! Now where was I? Ah, yes...
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come but those where I wake in the middle of the night and must rush most exquisitely mine sheets to thine washer.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time except those that be of the most kinky disposition. 555-5555 is the number that belongest to mine heart. Ring upon that line not before the hour of 4 on weekdays for I work the early shift at Ye Olde King of Moo Burgers. The boss is a major douche.
Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him well. A jester of jokes, a tickler of fancies. A handler of goat testicles. I knew him well. And to that end I must say we got it on not once, but many times a fortnight. Oh there were many sloppy days with Yorick....of course he was dead long before I was born, so you can imagine the amount of KY it took to get into that sucker!
To thine own self be true. Oh but that line lies asleep with another character. That, Pelonius guy. That 'tis who speakest those words....Dickbag...he hath retrieved my best foil from the parlour claiming it as his own. Hamlet swears that by the end of the day he shall feel Pelonius' blood on his hands!
Well, I'm off to sleep with my crazy sister and leave my whole famly dead. Ta!
Storytime! July 4th Edition
On a day not unlike this one, in an orange grove that looks nothing like your living room an old man trudged along bearing most of his weight on his cane, which bared an odd resemblance to a prosthetic leg. The old man, let's call him Sal, came upon a clearing in the orange grove in which several children were gathered around a tree stump. Sal paid them no mind instead focusing all his attention on the task at hand, which was, of course, maneuvering his feeble old bones in such a way so that he would be able sit on the stump. He was able to do so without even fracturing a single vertebra. It seems as though death had not caught up with Old Sal. At least not yet anyways.
The children stared in rapt attention at Old Sal, taking in the erotic scent wafting from his pores, the kind of smell that can only come from the age old mixture of Geritol, Old Spice and Jack Daniels, waiting for him to spin a tale as he always did.
"Okay, kids" Sal uttered in the way he always did, without a shred of pretense for how much his breath wreaked "I got a story for ya."
The children sat forward captivated by the lecherous hump that sat before them.
“So about twenty, no thirty. Wait…like...two years ago. Our forefathers cloned some dinosaurs. Now, you see 500 years ago, back in 1932. Things were different. There was a tax on sandwiches, for instance. But not all sandwiches, just ones with the crusts cut off. Like your mom makes them, Timmy.” Sal said gesturing toward a freckled youth in the front row.
“I’m a girl.” Said the youth.
“Shut up, ya succubus. I swear as soon as women got the right to vote. You know what I’m talking about Johnny.”
“I’m still a girl” said the youth.
“Grow a penis!” Sal screamed, expectorating on many of the children in the process. “So, as I was saying, I want to bang Timmy’s mom. Now if any of you can tell me what time she goes to sleep and maybe what kind of birth control she’s on, that would make my life infinit…infainitum…infinitely easier.
“Dinosaurs were everywhere. To the left of me. To the right of me. They were in the cupboard. I needed to pick up some milk, but I didn’t have time. I had a hearing at the local court that day and it would have been bad if I missed it. No big deal, they caught me for unleashing the wildebeest, that’s what I call my penis, on some unsuspecting girl. Since when is rape a crime? Can you tell me that?! Huh!
“Anyways, Lincoln was coming out of the shower and I handed him his towel. He was always a sucker for a fresh towel, and I’m not gonna say that I was in love with him or anything, cause I’m not gay. So stop eyeing me like that James!” Sal pointed wildly into the sea of children at a boy in the back row.
“but he had a rockin’ ass! And I had sexual relations with him, on several occasions. We used Jefferson’s place. The shit that went down there, man! Jefferson was into some freaky deaky shit! I can’t even…you’re too young to hear some of that shit. I’ll tell you when you all get older and I’m dead and haunting you in your dreams and watching Timmy’s mom shower and washing her sweet sweet breasts.
“So I had a problem. There were dinosaurs and Washington’s Pinto had just run out of gas. We were stranded in a sea of Velociraptors with claws that if you saw them would make you want to brush your teeth for some reason or other. A lot of shit happened to me in the war.
“All of a sudden that bastard, Arthur Sullivan comes out with a pancake on his head screaming at the top of his lungs ‘My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard’ and then he got eaten by a dinosaur and me and Washington made nasty-hot yet tender love in the backseat of his Pinto.
“And let me tell you, kids, God Bless America…and don’t ever lend a Scotsman your lawnmower because that’s how you get syphilis. And that’s how it was.”
With that Old Sal passed out from exhaustion, and the children went home a bit wearier of the true meaning of the 4th of July.
The children stared in rapt attention at Old Sal, taking in the erotic scent wafting from his pores, the kind of smell that can only come from the age old mixture of Geritol, Old Spice and Jack Daniels, waiting for him to spin a tale as he always did.
"Okay, kids" Sal uttered in the way he always did, without a shred of pretense for how much his breath wreaked "I got a story for ya."
The children sat forward captivated by the lecherous hump that sat before them.
“So about twenty, no thirty. Wait…like...two years ago. Our forefathers cloned some dinosaurs. Now, you see 500 years ago, back in 1932. Things were different. There was a tax on sandwiches, for instance. But not all sandwiches, just ones with the crusts cut off. Like your mom makes them, Timmy.” Sal said gesturing toward a freckled youth in the front row.
“I’m a girl.” Said the youth.
“Shut up, ya succubus. I swear as soon as women got the right to vote. You know what I’m talking about Johnny.”
“I’m still a girl” said the youth.
“Grow a penis!” Sal screamed, expectorating on many of the children in the process. “So, as I was saying, I want to bang Timmy’s mom. Now if any of you can tell me what time she goes to sleep and maybe what kind of birth control she’s on, that would make my life infinit…infainitum…infinitely easier.
“Dinosaurs were everywhere. To the left of me. To the right of me. They were in the cupboard. I needed to pick up some milk, but I didn’t have time. I had a hearing at the local court that day and it would have been bad if I missed it. No big deal, they caught me for unleashing the wildebeest, that’s what I call my penis, on some unsuspecting girl. Since when is rape a crime? Can you tell me that?! Huh!
“Anyways, Lincoln was coming out of the shower and I handed him his towel. He was always a sucker for a fresh towel, and I’m not gonna say that I was in love with him or anything, cause I’m not gay. So stop eyeing me like that James!” Sal pointed wildly into the sea of children at a boy in the back row.
“but he had a rockin’ ass! And I had sexual relations with him, on several occasions. We used Jefferson’s place. The shit that went down there, man! Jefferson was into some freaky deaky shit! I can’t even…you’re too young to hear some of that shit. I’ll tell you when you all get older and I’m dead and haunting you in your dreams and watching Timmy’s mom shower and washing her sweet sweet breasts.
“So I had a problem. There were dinosaurs and Washington’s Pinto had just run out of gas. We were stranded in a sea of Velociraptors with claws that if you saw them would make you want to brush your teeth for some reason or other. A lot of shit happened to me in the war.
“All of a sudden that bastard, Arthur Sullivan comes out with a pancake on his head screaming at the top of his lungs ‘My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard’ and then he got eaten by a dinosaur and me and Washington made nasty-hot yet tender love in the backseat of his Pinto.
“And let me tell you, kids, God Bless America…and don’t ever lend a Scotsman your lawnmower because that’s how you get syphilis. And that’s how it was.”
With that Old Sal passed out from exhaustion, and the children went home a bit wearier of the true meaning of the 4th of July.
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