Sunday, September 6, 2009

Mom and Pop Cuntry Cove: Celebrating our 50th Anniversary!

When we first opened our doors, and our hearts, on August 27th, 1959, little did we know our humble little store would grow to be such a success.

Founded on the principle that even good church going folk like to get freaky in the bedroom, Mom and Pop Cuntry Cove ahs provided the tri-town area with discrete "service" and high quality products for the past 50 years. Of course we would have never made it past those first ten years if it hadn't been for the surrounding community, who, for all their talk of immorality, sure did constitute a large portion of our client base.

Like Mrs. Wingdon, the kindergarten teacher who buys a gallon of KY every week. Doctor Hanscom who has worn out three swings. And Reverend Murphy, who buys a butt plug once a month. Yes, we couldn't have been this successsful wihtou lowayl customers like them and many others, all of whom we keep a very detailed list of. Very detailed. And we feel confident that they would never take their business elsewhere. Like the new "Spankin'" outlet opening up next door, because, like we said, we know who our clients are and it would be a shame if everyone else did as well.

Here's to another 50 great years servicing the community!

Baby Shower!

Somebody's Pregnant!

After years and years of trying, I am proud to announce that we are pregnant. And we are having a baby shower this Sunday. tehre will be cake and ice cream, coffee, a magician, pancakes, goat sacrificces and a dominatrix. So don't hesitate to bring the little ones. There will be plenty to keep them occupied. It is B.Y.O.W. - Bring your own wives, because, as always, the orgy starts right after the goat sacrifice.

So please come join us in celebrating the impending birth of what will (fingers crossed) be the Anti-Christ. 17th time's the charm.

Word of caution: Mind the open graves. I haven't gotten around to fully burying the infertile wives yet and I don't want to have a lawsuit on my hands should anyone happen to trip and fall into one.

Open Casting Call - This Sunday

"Wendell Baynes Takes a Leap"

The film is about what happens when squirrels stop being squirrels and start being robots. In short, it is about the plight of the working man and also pirates.

Wendell: Male, 71-72. Should be at least 6 foot 7 with a penchant for cashew nuts and a disdain for Gerber baby food. The character is a lost soul with a club foot. You do not actually have to have a club foot, but those with club feet will go to the top of the list.

Mary Anne: 3,000 years old. Queen Squirrel. Hot headed, even hotter boobies. Must provide own costume, i.e. the role calls for you to be completely naked for the whole film just as squirrels are every day. We're going for a real method actress here. It's a plus if you are incredibly hairy/incredibly willing to let the director drill you 3 times a day.

Also needed: 300 midgets with their own leaf blowers.

Tryouts are at my uncle's garage - 22 Dearborn Ave. Paloma, Wisconsin.

-You bring the booze, I bring the love
-Irish need not apply

A Blow-Jo Adult Entertainment Production

Intra-Office Memo

DATE: 7/31/2008

Just wanted to take this opportunity to remind everyone about the break room policy.

  • Only use the break room when you are on your break. (No-brainer)
  • If you're going to drink coffee please remember that you need your own mug because we will be going "green" in the next month or so and thus will stop having disposable cups. Also, if you're going to drink the coffee, please, please, please throw a couple bucks in the jar next to the fridge. I can't tell you how many times I go into the break room and there is neither any coffee left nor any money in the jar. Seriously, people, pitch in. I have to pay for this shit out of my own pocket. Coffee is a privilege. Not a right!
  • Label the food you put in the fridge so that people know whose is whose and thus will not eat other people's food. Someone must not be labelling their food because every time I go to get my lunch from the fridge it's gone. And the only reason I can think for that happening is that someone forgets to label their food and then forgets which one is theirs, thus taking my lunch. I have diabetes, people. I have very strict dietary needs. If I don't eat exactly what is in my lunch bag at the exact right time, I could die. I AM NOT EXAGGERATING! I WILL FUCKING DIE! And then you will be charged with murder. I'm going to set up a camera in the break froom and once I catch whoever has been stealing my lunch, so help me, God, I will rain Hell down upon your life. I know I may look weak. But, I move like a meerkat during mating season. I will be on your ass! I am not even kidding.

That's about it.

Oh! Carol's birthday is coming up next monday. So be sure to sign the card.